Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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