im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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