my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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