grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
