You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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