So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
