I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
