you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
