I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
