I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
