I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
