Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
