I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
