sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Randomize
