my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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