There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize