Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
