R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize