I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
