Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
