i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
