New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
