True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
