can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
