god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
