my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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