I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
