we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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