I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
