Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
