Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
