Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
barbara walters just said penis...
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
