i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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