I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize