i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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