3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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