I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
this hospital has no fireball
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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