I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
No subtext here. People are naked.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
