I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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