he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
