I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
