I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
