there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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