Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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