My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
