We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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