11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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