In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
