So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
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