Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
