Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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