in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
