The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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