I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i love accidental penises.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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