True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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