My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
