I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
