Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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