I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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