Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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