i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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