I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I yelled at your uterus for you.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
