My girlfriend figured out who you are.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My ATM looks so different sober.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
