just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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