So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
