I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
