Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Randomize
