Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Randomize
